11. We individually convey our beliefs and philosophy through attraction rather than promotion. We are each in charge of our own anonymity.

T o us, this says that we rely on our attraction to each other, and that our anonymity is a personal asset.. We don't hustle or jive each other. That was our style in other marriages and it never worked out. We often lied about where we were, what we were doing, or who we were with. One cannot successfully be dishonest with a mate for very long. If you are still trying that, give it up.

We both try very hard not to take cheap shots at each other. We know each other well so we know where the others Achilles tendon is. A thoughtless cheap shot can quickly and easily escalate into an angry disaster and the outcome can be devastating. Some remarks, no matter how much you may later regret them, will not - cannot - ever be forgotten.

Another aspect of this tradition, that of attraction, is that we need to be physically attractive to our partner. This concerns personal hygiene. We owe it to our mate to bathe and wear clean clothes (or clean skin - depending on what we are doing). We also believe we should not embarrass or humiliate our mate in public with obscenity or vulgar tasteless behavior of any kind - spoken or otherwise.

The spirit of this tradition is that we accept another person as they are, putting both the Golden and Silver Rules into practice within the relationship. The Golden rule is, of course, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The Silver rule is: "Don't do for others what they need to do for themselves".

Finally, anonymity in a relationship is that ability to do something good and not have to advertise it. Anonymity is a positive attitude, not complaining when things are not just as we would have them. Anonymity is keeping silent when our partner makes a mistake. Anonymity is saying encouraging things to our loved ones; showing gratitude for small favors, etc. Anonymity is the ability to do good for goods sake without having to take credit or receive special strokes. Anonymity is being happy doing good without expectations of reward or return. A nice by-product of this practice of anonymity is the spiritual principle, 'what we sow, so shall we reap.' There is no room in healthy relationships for self-glorification and pride but there is much room for great amounts of gratitude, humility and a willingness to be of service to others

CHECKLIST FOR TRADITION 11:

* Is my relationship treated with care in public?
* Do I think my relationship is attractive to others? Or does it appear shabby?
* Is my partner ever embarrassed or humiliated by my appearance or actions?
* Do I give relationships a bad name?
* Am I guilty of promotion rather than attraction?
* Can I go about my affairs without giving my partner advice on how he or she should conduct theirs?
* Can I do good things for my relationship anonymously? DO I do good things for my relationship anonymously?
* Can I give my partner the right to be wrong? Can I give my partner the right to be right?
* How do I feel when my partner criticizes the way I am trying to live my recovery program?
* How can my partners being in touch with reality help me.
* Which do I give more of to my partner: Positive strokes or negative zingers?
* What happens when one partner in the relationship is getting noticeably better and the other is not?