4. Each of us should be autonomous except in matters affecting the other, our family, or society as a whole

Each partner should be autonomous except in matters affecting the other partner, other members (e.g. children or parents) or the relationship as a whole. Another way to say this is that we must have the ability to become unselfish. Our thinking must become, how does this affect us rather than how does this affect me.

This tradition gives our relationships freedom - complete freedom in all essential matters. Each partner is free to choose their own way of functioning, yet this freedom carries the responsibility of preserving the unity of the relationship as a whole.

Autonomy means self-governing. In order to be autonomous, we must first realize we are God's kids - not just someone's child, mother, father, brother, sister, wife, husband, etc. When we ask God what we are to do, one day at a time, and then go about trying to do His will, we do not endanger our relationship. What does this mean in practical terms?

Dave likes backpacking, mountaineering, kayaking, rock climbing, working out at the gym. He is free to do these things or anything else as long as it does not hurt Polly in any way. Polly is very feminine and has little interest in such things. She doesn't have to ask if it's OK for her to go away for the weekend to speak at a convention. She is her own person. It is not the responsibility of either of us to decide what is good for the other.

Allowing your mate to be free - to be responsible for himself should not be a stumbling block. We each actively encourage the other to follow their bliss and their heart. We have become secure within ourselves and our relationship so we do not feel such an attitude is threatening. Neither of us is an extension of the personality or attitude or being of the other.

At the same time, we feel like we don't have the right to commit the other without asking first. And certainly when it comes to our children, autonomy is out of place. We must communicate and agree.

As always, such freedom brings responsibility. Because we are mostly autonomous, it is up to us individually to avoid any action that might harm our relationship. We must always remember that we have personal and relational defects and that these defects are forever lurking in the background ready to pounce.

The Fourth Tradition suggests that we should take an honest look at our relationship, asking about each of our independently planned actions. Will they in any way compromise or subvert the alliance that we have worked so hard on.

CHECKLIST FOR TRADITION 4:

Do I feel like there are only certain ways to do things? And are they my ways? And do I insist on things being done in those ways?
Do I always think about how or if my decisions will affect my partner? And if so, do I communicate with my partner and come to agreement?
Am I willing to go to any lengths - his/her lengths, not mine - to protect the integrity of the relationship?
Do I carefully avoid injuring my mate emotionally, physically, or spiritually?
How do I deal with my partners anger regarding something I've done through my autonomy? Am I defensive? Do I try to subdue him/her with still greater anger? Do I point out previous "mistakes" they have made? Do I try to punish him/her in any way?

No one is apparently reading these but I'll keep adding them anyways as a public service. :^)