If only. If only I had this my life would be better. If only i was with this person, life would be grand. If only I had more money in my savings, I would feel more secure. If only I were in san francisco by now, my life would rock. If only I could get drunk n high every day and still enjoy it, yes folks ugly but true...this is what my disease says. My brain tells me all sorts of fucked up stuff for me to worry about or long for.
My amazing life proves otherwise. If I was was meant to be in a relationship, there he/she would be...right by my side. money doesn't matter. out of all people I know that. Growing up in a family where love is expressed by money. Living on the streets with no money but all the love in the world. I'm not prepaired for the big move yet.
This all comes up from the fact that i've tried every way possible to let something go and I can't. UNACCEPTABLE! unafuckingaceptable! I want things my way. well my ways pretty miserable and self destructive. so yet once again I combat my head. Do the exact opposite of what it wants me to do. This works well for me allot.
I have to accept the fact that i can't let this go, but I can let go and let god. See where that takes me. never been disappointing yet. Gotta leap up on my god horse take the reigns and go for the ride. If I don't fight it, it'll be easier. I like to fight it. i've always been rebellious. yet somehow I will get to the other side. You see there's a reason i'm starting the steps over again. and what's the first about besides surrender...acceptance.
My wanting to start the steps over inspired my sponsor to as well. Idn't that beautifull. I feel some reading and writing coming on. prayer and action. more sappy poetry. Love.