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9. Our relationship ought never be organized or under the control of only one partner.
E ach alcoholic has been an individual who, because of his alcoholism, could seldom control himself. Nor could any other human being govern the alcoholics obsession to drink, his drive to have things his own way. Over and over, families, friends, employers, doctors, clergymen, and judges have tried their hand at disciplining alcoholics. Almost without exception, the failure to control an alcoholic by force or intimidation has been complete. Yet we alcoholics can be led, we can be inspired, we can and do yield to the will of God. It is not strange therefore that the only real authority to be found in AA is that of spiritual principal. It is never personal authority.
Our defiant individualism was the main reason we all failed in life and resorted to alcohol and drugs. When we couldn't compel others to conform to our plans and desires, we drank. When others tried to pressure us, we also drank. Even though we are now sober, we still resonate with these early traits which caused us to resist authority. Therein probably hangs a clue to our lack of personal government in AA, manifested by no fees, no dues, no rules and regulations, no demand that alcoholics conform, no leaders - just trusted servants.
With all this in mind, it follows that a relationship ought never be organized. It needs to be spontaneous, unpretentious, unrehearsed, and candid. Organization carries with it a certain level of safety. Organization is meant to avoid or pre-empt the unexpected, usually because of fear of the unknown.
This tradition is also an exhortation to have fun, be playful, lighten up. Don't take yourself too seriously. Our lives have been very difficult at times and there weren't a lot of laughs. Have some laughs. Exercise your sense of humor. As a friend of mine says, "if you want to hear God laugh, share your plans with Him". In a personal situation, I was without a job for about a year and a half. Throughout that entire time, Polly was steadfast in her love and support and the thing I treasure most was her cheerfulness and attitude and her letting me know that she still loved me and had faith in me.
We urge you to be wary. Organization leads to attempts at control, the nemesis of a happy relationship. As we have just said, attempts to control are so futile as to be almost laughable and lead only to anger, rebellion, and resentments. A marriage or romantic relationship is no place for a constitution, org chart, bylaws, or Robert's Rules of Order.
CHECKLIST FOR TRADITION 9:
Do I try to be the boss?
Am I mature enough to understand and use the principles of AA in my relationship - even if no one makes me do so - with a sense of personal responsibility?
Do I exercise patience and humility in the things I do in my relationship?
Do I assume responsibility or do I try to take on authority?
Have I learned how and when to step aside gracefully when I begin to overstep my bounds?
Who decides who does what in the day-to-day business of a relationship?
Am I a "peace at any price" person? Doesn't this get to be expensive at times?
E ach alcoholic has been an individual who, because of his alcoholism, could seldom control himself. Nor could any other human being govern the alcoholics obsession to drink, his drive to have things his own way. Over and over, families, friends, employers, doctors, clergymen, and judges have tried their hand at disciplining alcoholics. Almost without exception, the failure to control an alcoholic by force or intimidation has been complete. Yet we alcoholics can be led, we can be inspired, we can and do yield to the will of God. It is not strange therefore that the only real authority to be found in AA is that of spiritual principal. It is never personal authority.
Our defiant individualism was the main reason we all failed in life and resorted to alcohol and drugs. When we couldn't compel others to conform to our plans and desires, we drank. When others tried to pressure us, we also drank. Even though we are now sober, we still resonate with these early traits which caused us to resist authority. Therein probably hangs a clue to our lack of personal government in AA, manifested by no fees, no dues, no rules and regulations, no demand that alcoholics conform, no leaders - just trusted servants.
With all this in mind, it follows that a relationship ought never be organized. It needs to be spontaneous, unpretentious, unrehearsed, and candid. Organization carries with it a certain level of safety. Organization is meant to avoid or pre-empt the unexpected, usually because of fear of the unknown.
This tradition is also an exhortation to have fun, be playful, lighten up. Don't take yourself too seriously. Our lives have been very difficult at times and there weren't a lot of laughs. Have some laughs. Exercise your sense of humor. As a friend of mine says, "if you want to hear God laugh, share your plans with Him". In a personal situation, I was without a job for about a year and a half. Throughout that entire time, Polly was steadfast in her love and support and the thing I treasure most was her cheerfulness and attitude and her letting me know that she still loved me and had faith in me.
We urge you to be wary. Organization leads to attempts at control, the nemesis of a happy relationship. As we have just said, attempts to control are so futile as to be almost laughable and lead only to anger, rebellion, and resentments. A marriage or romantic relationship is no place for a constitution, org chart, bylaws, or Robert's Rules of Order.
CHECKLIST FOR TRADITION 9:
Do I try to be the boss?
Am I mature enough to understand and use the principles of AA in my relationship - even if no one makes me do so - with a sense of personal responsibility?
Do I exercise patience and humility in the things I do in my relationship?
Do I assume responsibility or do I try to take on authority?
Have I learned how and when to step aside gracefully when I begin to overstep my bounds?
Who decides who does what in the day-to-day business of a relationship?
Am I a "peace at any price" person? Doesn't this get to be expensive at times?
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South Bay
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