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7. Each of us ought to strive to be fully self-supporting spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
T o us, this means that each of us must be responsible for himself. We must fully concede that our troubles are of our own making. If we cannot understand and accept that notion, then we are clearly saying that our troubles are caused by other people or places or things. If that is so, then for us to get better, we must get people, places, or things to change. But we've already conceded that we are powerless over people, places, or things. So that line of thinking is a dead end. It is futile to think we will find anything in being a victim other than depression and a grinding, oppressive sense of defeat.
There is also the issue of control here. Neither of us must do anything to limit the options of the other to avoid being hurt or frightened. Examples: "you must behave so that I don't worry, or become embarrassed. You must do (or not do) something so that I don't become afraid.
Why is it important in a relationship that both members are independent spiritually, emotionally and physically? In our view, it is easy for the member of the relationship that is bringing in the finances, or the greater amount of finances, to control through the purse strings. This control can become ropes to bind the other partner. Resentments, fear, and other problems occur from this type of attitude and action. The non-earning or lesser-earning member the relationship may feel that they are losing their identity. The earning member of the relationship may begin to feel that their only purpose is to be a paycheck in the relationship.
Being self-supporting is impossible if one of the partners becomes the Higher Power for the other. The same is true when one person in the relationship is overly dependent on the other for their emotional well being. Our self-worth comes from within and from God, not from having to have someone in our life in order to feel to feel okay about ourselves.
When we are dependent upon someone else for our well being, we are vulnerable prey for sick relationships. This is especially true in the person who cannot feel whole without a love partner in their life all the time. Because of this sick, exaggerated need, the person fails to find a lasting relationship and thus goes from person to person trying to find themselves and some security through someone else. We believe we are here to enhance each others lives - not to be each others lives.
When each partner of the relationship understands that they are responsible for their own survival and progress, a greater spiritual strength flows into each and the relationship is made doubly strong. Each partner is able to do their own part without asking or expecting the other to do it for them. We each are able to be responsible for our own growth.
We believe that if we are not responsible for ourselves, we cannot be an equal in our relationships. We become potential victims for the managers and controllers of the world.
CHECKLIST FOR TRADITION 7:
Do I try to be boss? Do I attempt to assume control of my partner and our relationship?
Do my needs for comfort or a feeling of safety limit my partners options?
Do I accept responsibility for myself? Can I admit to my innermost self that my problems are of my own making?
Do I try to manage and control through the purse strings?
Am I managed and controlled by the purse strings?
Do I think that because something is good for me personally that it is also good for my mate?
Do I deceive myself by thinking how unselfish and giving I am when in reality I am giving only when I can do it on my own terms? Can I remember that giving is a position of control and that receiving is a position of powerlessness.
Do I take responsibility for my own physical needs (health, diet, exercise)?
Can I point to at least one thing, right now, that determines the degree of healthy independence I have?
T o us, this means that each of us must be responsible for himself. We must fully concede that our troubles are of our own making. If we cannot understand and accept that notion, then we are clearly saying that our troubles are caused by other people or places or things. If that is so, then for us to get better, we must get people, places, or things to change. But we've already conceded that we are powerless over people, places, or things. So that line of thinking is a dead end. It is futile to think we will find anything in being a victim other than depression and a grinding, oppressive sense of defeat.
There is also the issue of control here. Neither of us must do anything to limit the options of the other to avoid being hurt or frightened. Examples: "you must behave so that I don't worry, or become embarrassed. You must do (or not do) something so that I don't become afraid.
Why is it important in a relationship that both members are independent spiritually, emotionally and physically? In our view, it is easy for the member of the relationship that is bringing in the finances, or the greater amount of finances, to control through the purse strings. This control can become ropes to bind the other partner. Resentments, fear, and other problems occur from this type of attitude and action. The non-earning or lesser-earning member the relationship may feel that they are losing their identity. The earning member of the relationship may begin to feel that their only purpose is to be a paycheck in the relationship.
Being self-supporting is impossible if one of the partners becomes the Higher Power for the other. The same is true when one person in the relationship is overly dependent on the other for their emotional well being. Our self-worth comes from within and from God, not from having to have someone in our life in order to feel to feel okay about ourselves.
When we are dependent upon someone else for our well being, we are vulnerable prey for sick relationships. This is especially true in the person who cannot feel whole without a love partner in their life all the time. Because of this sick, exaggerated need, the person fails to find a lasting relationship and thus goes from person to person trying to find themselves and some security through someone else. We believe we are here to enhance each others lives - not to be each others lives.
When each partner of the relationship understands that they are responsible for their own survival and progress, a greater spiritual strength flows into each and the relationship is made doubly strong. Each partner is able to do their own part without asking or expecting the other to do it for them. We each are able to be responsible for our own growth.
We believe that if we are not responsible for ourselves, we cannot be an equal in our relationships. We become potential victims for the managers and controllers of the world.
CHECKLIST FOR TRADITION 7:
Do I try to be boss? Do I attempt to assume control of my partner and our relationship?
Do my needs for comfort or a feeling of safety limit my partners options?
Do I accept responsibility for myself? Can I admit to my innermost self that my problems are of my own making?
Do I try to manage and control through the purse strings?
Am I managed and controlled by the purse strings?
Do I think that because something is good for me personally that it is also good for my mate?
Do I deceive myself by thinking how unselfish and giving I am when in reality I am giving only when I can do it on my own terms? Can I remember that giving is a position of control and that receiving is a position of powerlessness.
Do I take responsibility for my own physical needs (health, diet, exercise)?
Can I point to at least one thing, right now, that determines the degree of healthy independence I have?
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South Bay
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