10. We each are entitled to our own opinion on outside issues. Hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

W ithin the context of relationships, we believe this means that we are careful about our opinions and rely on "live and let live". We do not drag our relationship into public controversy. In fact, we avoid heated controversy completely. It is usually fired by some form of fear and carries with it power-driven anger, resentment, and emotional damage. Next time you get into a heated argument with your mate, listen very carefully and you will hear his or her mind snap shut. Then ask yourself this question: how likely is it that God's will for me is to scream and yell at another one of his kids?

We neither carry "our" opinion around. I carry mine - Polly carries hers. We don't agree on everything and I have to let Polly be Polly.

We try to always be courteous. The very essence of Alcoholics Anonymous and Alanon Family Groups is treating others - all others - with patience, tolerance, courtesy, and kindness. A quiet composed response will dampen anger. It adds to our dignity and stature when we are able to avoid saying things we will surely regret.

We also don't speak ill of each other to friends or in public. Being publicly critical gets to be a habit and, in our opinion, is one of the symptoms of alcoholism. We are always railing away that it is someone else's fault. Besides, feelings are temporary unless stated publicly. Somehow, giving voice to them in public gives them authenticity and longevity. They are remembered. Look at the tabloids.

Love is an action - not a feeling. If you love someone, you treat them like you love them. If you want to know whether or not you are loved, ask your heart. Your heart knows everything. Do you feel loved? Do the words match the actions?

CHECKLIST FOR TRADITION 10:

* Do I give the impression that "we" have an opinion and I am it's keeper?
* Am I careful to keep confidences given to me by my partner?
* If my relationship with my partner were not guided by this tradition, what would it be like? Where would I be?
* Am I publicly critical of my mate? If so, what evidence can I offer to substantiate that I have sound judgment? Am I not a member of a recovery program?
* What would my mate say if asked whether or not I loved her?
* Does either of us have emotional scars from repeated heated controversy and struggles for power and control.
* How important is it for me to be right? Would I rather be right than happy?
* Do I expect or need my partner to see and feel the same as me on issues?
* Can I let my partner disagree with my ideas without feeling rejected and without getting defensive?